I'm an open book when it comes to my adoption and most of my life, for the simple fact that I want to be real and honest in hopes that it helps encourage others to know they aren't alone, or dare I say, even change a life.
One day I was having coffee with a sweet church friend and as we talked about the daily motherhood blessings and battles or my most recent interaction with Anna, she said, “Can I ask you a question...do you love her less?”
“Her” meaning my Anna.
My answer?
No. I don't love her less. The love is absolutely, unequivocally the same as my other children. I treasure her presence and smile just as I do my others. I loved my pregnancy with her and holding her just as I have held all my newborns. I bonded with her in those months watching her roll in my womb, and I cherished the velvety feel of her chubby cheeks when I stroked them with my finger just after her birth.
Now, of course, there is a difference. She isn't in my daily life. I don't know her latest favorite color, her teacher's name, or have seen her latest drawing hanging in her room. What is different is our bond, our connection. While I know the core of my parented children's being intimately, I am not there to know her heart all the time. There is absolutely love binding us together, but she is in many ways basically a child of friend's that I adore and enjoy company with. Simply put, the relationship is kinda like having a niece. A very special, loved niece. One that you adore spending time with and spending money on and wanting to know more, but at the end of the day...she is theirs.
I believe Anna and I have a deep underling connection, a connection that can only come from hearing the beating of my heart from inside and me feeling her feet from within. We know we are blood related and want to know each other more, but we aren't 100% there as I am able to do and be for the children I parent since they are around everyday. Over the years as she gets older, I have hope that that connection will deepen even more and blossom into a beautiful friendship. I have faith the best is yet to come for us!
And remember: Adoption is about love. It is my love for her that I chose the life for her-- us-- that I did.