Can I just say, the Lord is calling me to trust Him this year deeper than before…and it is so hard.
This past New Year I wrote how God gave me the word Trust for 2016. And boy, has He called me to it. I keep hearing the whisper to my heart:
“Leah, do you trust Me?” Yes, Lord. “But, do you really trust me?”
If I’m being honest, I don’t fully. It sounds good to trust God as a Christian. And yes, many seasons of my life I’ve had nothing to lean on but the faith and trusting God. But for some reason this year is a struggle, this season is a struggle. You see, I had all these plans that I’d be done having kids by now. Years ago, in fact, we thought we would be done, though with each child born I knew God planned more. My book would of been done at least 2 years ago. I would be moving forward in my writing or speaking career…yet apparently that isn’t the Lord’s plan for me yet. His plan is for me to be at home with 4, going on 5, kids right now. FIVE KIDS! How do I write a book with 5 kids at home and all their dirty laundry, dishes, homework, and squabbles to referee?! I can barely sit down to drink my coffee while it is hot.
I know He has this promise written on my heart and pathway on this earth. I know this story He has given me is part of His purpose for my life…but man…I don’t get why it is taking so long. Is it my failing? Is it my lack of goal setting? Is it my fault for not managing my time well? Is it simply not time? He knows why it is taking so long to write this book. Perhaps He’s preparing hearts and paving the way. Perhaps He’s still shaping our story that needs to be told for a different perspective than I thought it should be. Perhaps it just simply isn’t time. I have to trust that. I’ve seen how He prepares a path totally different than what I envisioned, but it ended up being even better. That right there is hope to cling to. One day, I know I will read this post and smile with knowing eyes what was around the corner and that my time would come– in His time, in amazing ways.
AND– I don’t get why He trusts me of all people, why does He trust me with these 5 little legacies? I feel so unworthy to be their Mom some days. I feel like I fail constantly and not good enough. How do you find worth in your own self– to see yourself how God sees you? I have to remind myself that He enables me to do this calling– if I humble myself and stop to ask for it! I don’t have to do and be it all, because He is. I need to remind myself that what He sees isn’t what I see in the mirror. I remind myself that He gives me my value and worth. My actions don’t, my words don’t, my good parenting moments don’t– He does. He is my strength. He has to be, because without Him I truly fail my own expectations and this job called Mom.
There are so many areas that He’s calling me to fully trust Him in. Not just this dream on my heart, or surrendering my ideal family size, but financial provisions and years of baggage.
I need more freelancing jobs to help us keep healthy food on the table and make ends meet, but I trust Him to provide them when the time is right (email me if you need a freelance writer, will ya?). I need more patience to parent my children with grace and love, but I will trust Him to work in and through me. I need Him to heal my heart from my past, but I know it’s coming one layer at a time. I don’t see His big picture right now, I can’t figure it out as usual. So here I sit, frustrated by my own human abilities, emotions, and lack of control.
But– I know that’s where He wants me right now as He breaks down these walls I’ve built of my own plans and expectations.
These walls I’ve built in defense of not liking His plan or not understanding His plan– they only separate me from Him and His joy in whatever today’s plan holds. So I’ll cling to the gentle voice to my soul…